WHY DO I SUBCONSCIOUSLY WANT MY FEARS AND INSECURITIES TO COME TRUE?

It sounds like you have some intimacy/abandonment issues. You are afraid that if you get close to someone that they will leave, so you 'act like a freak' to scare them away before they have a chance to get close and then leave. The good news is that you realize this is a problem. I would suggest going to a counselor, just someone that you can talk these issues through with. There may be some issues hiding in your past that are causing this. Good luck for you future.